Posing by a gushing waterfall in a rainforest in Juneau. July 2014.
First things first: Our trip to Alaska was great. Great in the sense we got away from everyday life and got to see some absolutely AMAZING sights: Glaciers, Bald Eagles, Orcas, Humpbacks, Otters, Seals. Just breathtaking mountains of snow, trees, mist, clouds and water all rolled into one.
We had never been on a cruise. Actually, no one in our family has ever really wanted to go on one. When we first started talking about visiting Alaska, we were going to fly there and do our own tour of the state. Prices and Alzheimer’s Disease changed our agenda. After much thought and discussion, I decided (notice the “I”) we would forgo our previous plans and go with the cruise option. We would join all the other tourists at the port of calls and try to find our way among the masses versus venturing out on our own for parts unknown.
I have been asked several times since our return if Jim enjoyed himself. Yes. Yes he did. As much as you can tell, he did. Since Jim is no longer showing much emotion or throwing out many comments, you must listen and observe closely. As my Mom told me, “That is the most excitement and emotion I have seen from Jim in a long time.” She was right. As we emerged from the rainforest we were touring, into the sights of a huge, beautiful, blue glacier, Jim exclaimed, “Oh wow.” Perfect sentiments, but unusual at this point with him.
Searching for moose outside of Anchorage, Alaska. June 2014.
Many times he just sat and watched the beautiful scenery float by. He seldom said much about what we were doing. But there were smiles and times of excitement that we don’t get to see anymore while at home. There were also the times he got lost on the cruise ship. Even I had trouble at times, and I am good at navigating. But he got stuck on a floor and couldn’t figure out how to get back to our floor even after calling a few times. Eventually my Dad went to get him, after we had been searching all over the ship for him. It was frustrating and sad. We all felt bad. Jim didn’t seem one bit bothered. It is our new normal. It was a lesson. We learned that he couldn’t be left alone at all and needed to be with someone, even it was one of the kids, at all times. Sad. Annoying. Emotional.
One night, I was sitting in our cabin while the kids were out meandering around with their new friends. Jim was slowing searching around the cabin. Eventually, he sat on the bed and started to cry. I didn’t understand immediately why. So I asked him why he was crying. “Because everything I do from here on out is going to be the last time I do it. Everything is the last time.” He was having a moment of clarity. He knew why we were on this trip. He knew he wouldn’t be coming back. Even if the kids and I eventually did.
Later, on the last day of our journey, Jim seemed content. He was happy. He was awake and alert and enjoying himself. We all were. He hugged me and thanked me for taking him to Alaska. He thanked me for being a good wife and taking care of him. And he cried again. But these were different tears. Sad but different.
Jim and Brad enjoying a beautiful sunset on the ship. July 2014.
And I waited. I waited until we had gotten home. I waited until we had survived the red eye flight and had started laundry and had unpacked our bags. I waited until I had the rare moment alone. And I cried. I cried because I was spent. I was emotionally and physically spent. Even after taking a wonderful vacation, I was tired from the psychological strain of making it all perfect and figuring out schedules and payments and keeping track of people, places and things. I was done. Then, that night, I had to work. I had to do laundry. I had to worry about dinner. I had to make sure Jim and the kids were ok. Life was back to normal.
I failed again. I failed Jim. The week prior to our departure, I went over everything that needed to be packed with him and the kids. Multiple times. As a mom, I seem to repeat myself over and over again. It is annoying to everyone involved. I checked Brads’ bag. My Mom checked Frances’ bag. No one checked Jims’ bag. I (mistakenly) assumed that telling him over and over to pack sweatshirts and jackets and cool weather stuff would suffice. I was mistaken. He had shorts and t-shirts and polos. It was chilly. Thankfully, , my Mom bought him an Alaska jacket on the first day and he had that to wear each day. But, the real problem was I knew that I should check his bag. I knew it is no longer enough to remind him over and over what to do. I must go behind him and double check. The Fourth of July t-shirt I purchased him? No where to be found. Even though I had reminded him numerous times to pack it. It is such a deceptive disease. You think you can get away with letting things go but you really can’t. They sneak up on you and bite you.
So, we had a wonderful time but there were supreme heartbreaking moments. Moments that are part of our journey but normally not part of vacations.
Thank you so very much for all of the well wishes and support after my last post. I appreciate your words of encouragement and they helped me. It was a memorable journey.
Standing in front of the Mendenhall Glacier, near Juneau, Alaska. July 2014.
A couple of days after our return, I was laying in bed and Jim came and sat on the edge of the bed by my feet. He started rubbing my feet and I had my eyes closed. If I let myself, it could have been years ago and all this talk about Alzheimer’s Disease could easily be a nightmare that others live. But as I tried to meld into a different time and place, I was snapped back into our reality. I heard a sniffle and then a sob. As Jim sat rubbing my soles, his soul was opening. I asked him what was wrong. “I am just so tired of not being able to remember anything.”
“Well, you remember our trip we just went on, right?”
“Where did we go?”
Silence. My breathing became a bit shallow and I began to curse myself for asking. Did I really need to put him through this torture and myself as well? But I knew he knew this answer.
“I can’t remember the places.”
“But you remember the state. What state did we got to?”
“Well, that is all you need to remember.”
“I wish I had all the places I went with the IG team still. I think that one pier we were at, looking out at the water and the birds was really familiar.”
“Jim, you never went to Alaska. That was one of the main reasons we went. You went to Seattle.”
“Hmmm. It sure did look familiar, like I had been there before.”
“Well, we have lots of pictures and we will help you remember.”
“Thanks. I love you. You are a great wife and I am so lucky. Thank you for being such a good wife to me.”
Jim looking out from our balcony. July 2014.