“Um…. I…. Um.…Did you….What am I….. Uh… I….uh.”
“Yes, Jim. Go ahead.”
“Uh, the front. Uh…. do you want me to….ummm….the front.”
“The front yard?”
“Uh, the uh part like a fur collar….Uh. Mmmm. By the flag. Like a collar. Uhhh…fur collar around.”
“The boxwood hedge?”
“The part,….uh, the part….fur. Fur collar. Um….Around……Around the uh, around the front tree.”
“The liriope is around the tree. That must be what you are talking about. The stuff that looks like long grass?”
“That is liriope.”
“Do you want me to trim it?”
“No. You do that in the winter. You did it in Feb.”
Another conversation that shows Jims’ decline. Another heartbreak. Another slip into a future that I am not looking forward to and don’t really want to live through.
Another frustrating situation for both of us. He is frustrated trying to explain himself and I am frustrated trying to understand him. The kids are frustrated. We joke that it is a game of charades, but you can only laugh so much at the fact your father cannot explain a simple thought to you.
I am in a constant state of despair. I just don’t have any answers and I don’t have an easy way out. I don’t see anything that will make this plight an easy one. An uneasiness seems to haunt me. Finances. The house. The yard. The kids. My job. Jim. His decline is on a more steady course than in past years. It is noticeable. It is impossible to ignore. There is a feeling that stays with me now; it is unshakable. A feeling of being in trouble. Like when I was a teenager and I knew I had done something wrong and it was only a matter of time before my parents found out and I would soon be in trouble. No matter what I am doing, who I am with or where I am, a sense of imminent doom looms overhead.
What have I done? What can I do different? How can I get out of this and save us from the terrible future ahead? What am I doing wrong? Should I have gone back to work sooner? Should I have saved every penny we ever made? How am I going to take care of me and the kids? How am I going to take care of Jim and work full time? What kind of person will I be when all of this is over? Will it ever be over? What kind of person am I for thinking this? I am horrible. I should not be thinking about me and my future. I should only be thinking of Jim and the kids. But, what am I going to do about the kids? What if the kids get this one day? Oh God. No. Please. Please don’t let my babies get this. I couldn’t take it. I would rather die than watch them succumb to Alzheimer’s. I might as well quit right now. I have to do something. What can I do?
Talk Karen. That is about all you are good at these days. Talk. Get everyone you know to write their Congressmen. March up to D.C. again and don’t leave until they have a cure. Move to D.C. Start a war like they have never seen. Wait. I can’t do that. I have to take care of Jim and work and take the kids to practice. Ok, then get everyone else to do that too. Will they? Will others care that my kids, my life, will possibly be taken from me when they are older? If they were getting this now, when they were young, people would care. But they will still be my little ones even when they are grown. They will be all I have left. Why can’t everyone see that? Why can’t everyone in the world stop and listen and care? Why can’t some really rich billionaire who spends thousands of dollars on a single dinner just give a few million to this? Wouldn’t they do that if it was their own children at risk?
What do I have to do? I can’t let them get this. I can’t not do something. What am I going to do for dinner tonight? I don’t think we have anything in the fridge and I don’t have time to go by the store. I could ask Jim to run to the store. Oh. That’s right. He isn’t driving anymore. I wonder if I took his license too soon. No, I did the right thing. I wonder if the kids have gotten their stuff done.I wonder if Brad read and if Frances cleaned her room. I should call the house. Oh, I can’t. I have to call back Mr. Jones for work. I am tired. I wish I could just go home and take a nap. I wish we had a screened in porch so I could sit and take a nap in it. Uggh. I still need to sort a load of laundry and pay those bills that came in last week. Wait. Wasn’t it Jen’s birthday? Did I call her? Yes. I think I did. No. I might not have. Did I call back Melissa? Didn’t she call me and leave a message? I think that was a couple of days ago. Oh my God. My memory is getting as bad as Jim’s. What will I do if the kids get this one day and I do too? Who will take care of them if I am sick? What if I get in a wreck? Who will take them if I die now? What if Mom and Dad die right after I die? I need to make another appointment with the attorney and get that settled. Who should I make guardians? What would happen to Jim? Would the kids know I loved them more than anything? I should write them both letters. I don’t think Jim ever wrote those letters to the kids like I asked him to. What if I get cancer? Who would take care of me and the kids at the same time? Mom and Dad would, but that would be a lot on them. What would I do with Jim? I can’t get sick. What if I do die though?
Who would pick up the fight if I am not here to do this? I wonder if any of my friends would? I wonder if the kids would? I need to do something. Maybe I should go jogging when I get home. I can’t. I have to start dinner and I need to work on those pictures from Alaska and I need to straighten up my desk and I have the book I am trying to read and I would really like to sit on the couch and watch a movie. Yes. A movie and a cold beer would be nice.I haven’t sat and watched TV in a long time. I think it has been a few weeks. What was the last thing I watched? I can’t remember. Maybe I will do that. I deserve it. Wait. We don’t have any beer. I need to go to the store anyway. I wonder what I can fix for dinner tonight?