I am pulling


“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”

Masaru Emoto, The Secret Life of Water


I really want to write something upbeat and positive.  I can’t. I don’t feel it. I am not able to wrap my brain around the beautiful sunshine and flowers that surround us now that Spring has finally sprung.

I have a stack of bills sitting on my desk.  I have a house that needs cleaning.  I have a yard that needs tending. I just don’t have the energy or the gumption.

I suppose many would suggest depression would be the culprit for my bleak mood. I think it is of my own root.  Last night I cracked and yelled at both kids and Jim. I said things I am very regretful for. Mainly to Jim.

The kids have slacked off on keeping up with their chores.  Brad just wants to go outside and play.  Frances just wants to daydream and make up lists. They just want to be kids.

Jim simply focuses on his one thing he is doing at that very moment and walks around the house trying to…..well, I am not really sure what he is trying to do most of the time. I am not sure he does either.

I am trying to work full time, keep up the house, the bills, the schedules, dinners, laundry, and many other life hurdles that encompass my days. Sometimes people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.” Well, right now I don’t feel like I am.

I snapped. I know I am not the only parent who has done this.  I know I am not the only care partner who has done this. But I did. I regret it. I can’t take it back.

Fortunately, I got a laugh today when a friend unexpectedly stopped by and I told her a bit of what happened. In her beautiful, witty way she told me, “oh when I do that, my kids can see it coming and they are like ‘ here she goes again.’ They are just trying to stay clear and out of the way.” Everyone needs a friend that lets you know you aren’t alone in your faults.

Today when I apologized to Jim, he simply said “that’s ok.  I deserved it.”

No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t deserve me yelling at him because he is driving me insane.  It isn’t his fault he hasn’t asked how we are paying our tax bill. Or what happened at the meeting about our windows. He can’t help that he doesn’t enforce the rules with the kids. It isn’t his doing when I feel like I am being pulled in 15 different directions and life is hurtling towards me at what seems neck breaking speed.

Life can be so sweet and on a dime turn into something bitter and venomous. It is when these moments of looking into the mirror hurt that I am forced to pull really hard. I have to pull myself out of that dark place that keeps me from seeing the bigger picture. The darkness that keeps me from being thankful for the precious love I have and the gifts I have been given. I am a Mom. I have two wonderful children that need me to pull harder.

I am trying. I am pulling.

posted by Karen in Early Signs of Alzheimer's,Uncategorized,Younger Onset Alzheimer's Disease and have Comments (2)

2 Responses to “I am pulling”

  1. C says:

    You’re not alone….sending love

  2. Lee Ann says:

    Just keep telling yourself that you will get through this. Things are changing, its no fun. But you will get through this.

    My exhusband, who had previously been a wonderful caring sweetie, came down with a severe mental illness. Either laying in bed, sweating that the voices are telling him to kill someone, or laying on the floor in the kitchen for days and days, getting up only to go to the bathroom. One day when I was at work, he walked 6 miles in a blizzard to a little town, and with an unloaded 357, he robbed the bank. Was put in a suicide watch cell and three months later, was found innocent due to disease or defect. One of the things I remember well, is a deputy sheriff sat down next to me and he said, “right now, there doesn’t seem to be any good that will come out of this. But just remember that you will get through this. Your life will change but it will still be your life. You will get through this.. ‘ And i remember that clearly even 30 years later. I’ve told myself this before when I needed it. but hearing his voice saying that, really was so helpful at such a horrible time. Take care.

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