Time to Love

Moon Rising in Yellowstone

Tonight, as I tucked my sweet, soft, warm Brad to bed, I couldn’t help but think that there was someone in the Boston area that would not be tucking their same sweet, soft, warm son to bed. Ever. Again.

It made me hug him even longer. It brought tears to my eyes and cheeks.

I always feel surrounded by death. I am constantly aware of the fact my husband has a disease with no cure and he is dying.  It is a death that is very slow and gives us a long time to say goodbye and prepare for this painful act. If you can prepare for such a thing.

Sometimes there are sudden deaths that make you stop and appreciate your own life a little more. Today, in Boston, that has happened.

My parents are visiting Boston. They were not very far from this cowardice act. They were leaving Fenway Park and trying to catch the Charlie. I frantically called them after hearing the news and about an hour later reached them.  They are ok. I knew they were, but I needed to hear their voices. Something tells me I was far from alone in this today.

I often wonder if maybe I will die before Jim. The rate for caregivers to pass before the person they are tending is very high. So I wonder about this. Then I wonder if I will die before my kids. Or if one or both kids will die before me. Then I wonder about my parents. The thought of losing any of them chokes me up and makes me cry. I think I cry a lot. Or it seems so when I am writing this blog. As I just mentioned, I always feel surrounded by death.  Do others feel this way? Or is it just me?

Not too long ago, Brad and I were driving down the road and he asked me what was going to happen when Daddy dies. Just out of the blue. At first I wasn’t sure what he was asking so I told him that it would be a long time from now and that we would be ok.

That wasn’t what he was asking. He wanted to know how I was going to be able to take care of him and Frances and how I would be able to work and take them to their activities and be there with them. I was a little shocked that he had put so much thought into this. For a nine year old, he is pretty observant.  Obviously it had been on his mind for a while.

As a parent, you want to protect your children. You want to teach them to find the good in situations. During that conversation with Brad, I reminded him how lucky we were to know what was wrong with Daddy and it gives us time to tell him goodbye. We are so fortunate to have time to plan and to appreciate being together and to be able to spend even more time with Daddy. We have friends that have lost parents suddenly and I pointed out to him how they didn’t get this blessed opportunity.

While I am thinking of the families of those lost today so suddenly and in a place that was full of celebration and accomplishment, I again realize how lucky we are. I am also having a hard time finding the good in this situation. We have time. Time to hug and touch and remind each other how much we love each other.

Thank you for this time. Thank you for this love. Thank you for this life that can be so fleeting.

 

posted by Karen in Uncategorized and have Comment (1)

One Response to “Time to Love”

  1. Seo Tools says:

    Missing Jim :: Confessions of an Alzheimer’s Wife » Time to Love

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