I was determined to make my next post something upbeat, positive and glowing of smiles and happiness.
That will come tomorrow.
We are back from our wonderful trip to Chincoteague. We really did enjoy our family time and got back to nature.
Part of our getting back to nature came as a surprise this morning. Just outside of our sliding glass door was a mare in labor with a foal.
“Very cool. A great chance for the kids to learn something and see nature at work. Awesome!” I thought to myself.
Well, over an hour later, it was determined the foal wasn’t going to make it and neither was the mom. We had stood in the misty rain waiting with others in high expectations of seeing this beautiful start of life. Not to be. We were all so sad. It is hard to go from such high expectations and jubilee, to great sorrow and pain.
I felt like it was my fault. After all, I feel like I have this dark cloud following me most of the time. As a good friend recently told me, “Karen, you live under the tire of the karma bus.”
I am ashamed to admit I felt a sense of relief when I was told this was the 3rd foal they had lost this year (3 more were there in the corral, playful, frisky and cute as anything you could hope to see). I was just relieved that it really couldn’t possibly be my fault for the death of this horse and her unborn foal. How completely narcissistic can a person be?
For much of the morning, we were just sure we were getting ready to witness a miracle. We could see 2 hooves and part of the placebo working their way out. Nothing more ever showed itself to this hard world of ours. Life is sad. Life is hard. Life is a bummer many times.
I work everyday on pulling myself out of any kind of darkness I might be in and search high and low for my rays of sunshine and my glimmers of hope.
I find them everyday in Frances and Brad. I find them in good friends that somehow show up in the nick of time. I find them in my parents and my brother. I find them in my caring, loving and great husband, Jim.
Sometimes I have to look really hard, but if I look, I will find my hope and my loves and my reason for keeping on.
I am going to unwind tonight and I will post my happy, upbeat journal about our awesome time in Chincoteague tomorrow.