Give me until tomorrow….

 

The mother to be the night before...

The mother to be the night before…

I was determined to make my next post something upbeat, positive and glowing of smiles and happiness.

That will come tomorrow.

We are back from our wonderful trip to Chincoteague. We really did enjoy our family time and got back to nature.

Part of our getting back to nature came as a surprise this morning. Just outside of our sliding glass door was a mare in labor with a foal.

“Very cool. A great chance for the kids to learn something and see nature at work. Awesome!” I thought to myself.
Well, over an hour later, it was determined the foal wasn’t going to make it and neither was the mom. We had stood in the misty rain waiting with others in high expectations of seeing this beautiful start of life. Not to be. We were all so sad. It is hard to go from such high expectations and jubilee, to great sorrow and pain.

I felt like it was my fault. After all, I feel like I have this dark cloud following me most of the time. As a good friend recently told me, “Karen, you live under the tire of the karma bus.”

I am ashamed to admit I felt a sense of relief when I was told this was the 3rd foal they had lost this year (3 more were there in the corral, playful, frisky and cute as anything you could hope to see). I was just relieved that it really couldn’t possibly be my fault for the death of this horse and her unborn foal. How completely narcissistic can a person be?

For much of the morning, we were just sure we were getting ready to witness a miracle. We could see 2 hooves and part of the placebo working their way out. Nothing more ever showed itself to this hard world of ours. Life is sad. Life is hard. Life is a bummer many times.

I work everyday on pulling myself out of any kind of darkness I might be in and search high and low for my rays of sunshine and my glimmers of hope.

I find them everyday in Frances and Brad. I find them in good friends that somehow show up in the nick of time. I find them in my parents and my brother. I find them in my caring, loving and great husband, Jim.

Sometimes I have to look really hard, but if I look, I will find my hope and my loves and my reason for keeping on.

I am going to unwind tonight and I will post my happy, upbeat journal about our awesome time in Chincoteague tomorrow.

 

 

posted by Karen in Uncategorized and have Comments (3)

3 Responses to “Give me until tomorrow….”

  1. Stacy says:

    Karen we all have gray dark rainy days they come in all different ways for each of us. Some more than others, some harder than others unfortunetly. But always remember the rain has to stop at some point to let all of Gods beauty shine. And you my friend are Gods ray of sun shine. Please know you are not alone in any of this and I pray for your strength each and every day. Maybe think of the rain as knowledge you are learning so when it ends and the sun shines again you will be able to share all that you have learned. Yes it is a very difficult job you where given. But I believe God believes you can shine and spread sun shine to all who cross your path! You are my ray of sunshine! Xoxo

  2. Susie says:

    We are the beginning of our journey and you inspire me daily….I keep saying if she can do it then I can do it so keep your spirit up because it is through you that God is teaching others and touching their hearts. Lots of hugs, Susie

  3. I identify strongly with your feelings of responsibility for death or decline when there should be life and health. After my darling son was born with severe disabilities, I had a ‘missed abortion’ – my next child sadly died at 12 weeks – I felt exactly like you – responsible and wedged under the wheels of the karma bus. It’s so random, who gets to live and die, who gets to be healthy or in pain. I got my spectacularly wonderful daughter Natalie with my third pregnancy. She is 21 now and has accepted the offer of a full scholarship for a Masters degree at the University of Delaware. My Nicholas is thriving and happy, despite his many challenges. Life comes around sometimes and the bus moves off to motor down another road. I hope it does for you.

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