Anger Issues

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Jim saved me. From myself. From bad choices of jobs and men and friends. He saved me on so many levels. Now I want to save him and I can’t. I can’t stop this descent our family is on. I desperately want to save him. I want to save us. And I haven’t figured out how.

Instead, I get angry. Sometimes at him. I get angry that he hasn’t planned better. I get angry our children won’t have him much longer. I get angry that I will be alone and have to start my life over without the one person that knows how to save me from myself.

I get angry and I now realize the anger comes from deep rooted scaredness (can you believe that word isn’t in the dictionary?). I am scared I won’t have the money to take care of him and the kids. I am angry he didn’t plan that better. I am scared our children have inherited this God awful disease. I am angry he didn’t tell me before we were married or before we had children that this could happen. I am scared I will end up alone and bitter. I am angry he leaves me a little more each day when I need him more than ever.  I need him to save me from all of this and he can’t. For the first time in our relationship he is failing me. And I am failing him because I get angry and I can’t save him.

You grow up learning that if you go to the doctor, follow orders and take your medicine, that you will be healed.

Sometimes a terrible disease like cancer comes along and you must fight harder than you would with an average cold or infection. You take more orders and wait longer. But you have hope that the doctor’s orders and the medicine will work. Maybe a surgery will be the end all. You will be ok and be able to go back to the life you lead before the awful day you received the news.

As a child you are given vaccines that can keep you from getting sick. It helps you feel invincible and safe.

Once you figure out that it is Alzheimer’s Disease you are dealing with, you are at a dead end. No hope. No vaccines. No wait and sees. There are few drugs available to try to stave off the symptoms for a while.  You are told as you are being handed the prescription that the outcome will be the same as if you weren’t taking them at all. It goes against everything you have believed your whole life. It really takes a long time to sink in. I am not sure it has for me. On one level it has, but on many it hasn’t. How do you grasp that there is NOTHING to take that will heal your mind?

We have read many articles about different things that help: coconut oil, resveratrol, CoQ10, Vitamin B12, Green Tea, Black Tea, no sugar, more sugar, blueberries, acai berries, fish oil, folic acid, wine, no wine, no caffeine, yes, caffeine….on and on. Every day there is a new article with a new claim of a new study that promises you hope. That promises you a small glimmer of something to hold on tight to as you lie in bed trying to figure out what the Hell you are going to do. It is enough to drive a person insane if the fact they were already losing their mind wasn’t the issue.

Yes, I get angry. There are a lot of things that give me the right to be angry. It doesn’t mean I want to be angry and it doesn’t mean I will stay angry. It doesn’t even mean I am always angry. But I have my moments. Thankfully we have two awesome kids that keep me from dragging out my angry moments. They also help me get out of bed each morning and give me a million reasons to smile each day.

We have gotten word that the NIH wants to follow up with Jim for the diagnostic tests they ran on him a couple of years ago. So we will go. But these are not clinical trials. We are still searching for the right magic bullet. It is exhausting. I need my magic fairy godmother to swoop in and hand us that magical little flower that contains that magical little cure that will not only change our lives, but millions of lives around the world.

Have you contacted your representative yet?

I need a chill pill and spending all day tomorrow at the ball fields sounds like something that will help. So, that is where we are spending the weekend. Watching softball and baseball games and trying to forget the anger and the reason for the anger.

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posted by Karen in Early Signs of Alzheimer's,Early Stages of Alzheimer's Disease,Uncategorized,Younger Onset Alzheimer's Disease and have Comments (9)

9 Responses to “Anger Issues”

  1. Jeannie says:

    Omg. I feel exactly like you!! Right down to my kids who bring such joy to me & my Hubby everyday. I pray for Jim, you and the kids and I pray we find that Magic Flower ASAP!!! For the lives of our husbands!

  2. Diane chadwick says:

    Up late worrying what is going to happen with my mom who has AD. 2weeks ago tomorrow my dad who was her 24/7 caregiver was hospitalized very ill. Other than a bacterial UTI that started this crazy train wreck of a ticking time bomb we really don’t know why he got sick so suddenly. My sister and I have jumped in with both barrels to take care of mom and it is hard. Harder than I imagined 24/7 could be. Tonight if she asked one time she asked twenty five times was tomorrow Sunday….no tomorrow is Saturday. When are we going to see Billy? Her husband, my dad who 2 weeks ago she may or may not have known him at any given moment and know she tells him she loves him and to do his therapy and hurry home. Everyday she asks if he is coming home…I tell her no not until he is able to walk and right now he has not been on his feet in two weeks. He has a long recovery period and no one really knows how much he will recover. I know in my heart he will never be able to care for mom again and he will probably need care himself. We have hundreds of things to figure out and it breaks my heart when I think about their love for each other and now they are apart. I feel angry, sad, overwhelmed….all emotions you are going through. I am so glad I found your blog. God bless you & your family through your journey with Jim (my husbands name too).

  3. Lee Ann says:

    There are so many people going through similar situations. And its so sad. Anger is a secondary emotion. The first emotion that causes that is sadness. Its perfectly natural to go through anger when you have this going on. So don’t beat yourself up for being angry. That just causes more anger, at yourself for not being able to handle things. just take it one step at a time. That’s all you can do. You don’t have a halo, you can’t perform miracles. I used to say, “I drew the short straw.” You just learn to deal with things. i think you are doing good. And its good for you to be able to write this stuff out. That will probably be your saving grace. Remember: YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW. You will get through this. And you may not be happy when you are through all this, but you’ll be able to take a deep breath and feel that you did your best.

    And remember to take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of you, you certainly can’t take care of anybody else.

  4. Connie Howard says:

    Just curious where everyone’s spouse is in the disease?My husband starting show signs in 2005. Just thought stress from work and dealing with two teenage children was the reason. He was diagnosed in 2008. Here is it 2013. I have to help him bathe, he goes to a “adult day care” 3 days a week for 6 hours a day. When home, he watches DVD movies. He has trouble reading. He talks to himself most of the time and sings quite a bit. His behavoir is much more child like. He has a bucket list but unfortunately we don’t have the money to do any of them. We used to travel a lot and have many wonderful memories for which I am very grateful. We now find joy in the simple things. We had to short sell my childhood home and move into a 1200 sq ft condo that was a rental property and now have that up for sale and we will just rent when it sells. We have sold most of our possessions . I have grateful for his disability income from IBM and social security. When I begin to fear the future having no clue what it holds, I begin to focus in the moment and that day. Although I am learning to trust God has a plan for me and my family and loves me and cares about our every need, I still need help with anxiety or depression medication which I absolutely hate to take. I miss socializing with friends alot and now have just a few. I am very grateful for girlfriends who listen to me, laugh with me and walk this journey with me. I try to serve others and help whenever I can but my focus is on Glenn and sometimes it sucks the life out of me…but I keep pressing on with the hope that God gives me. Your blog about not having a make a wish foundation for Alzheimer’s patients struck a cord with me. I have the desire to help families build memories while they can. It is mainly for those being left behind. Travel is my passion I am praying for the Lord to help make that happen. Alot of people have extra frequent flier miles, hotel points, vacation houses, timeshare etc that could be used to help Alzheimer’s families. Pray with me and thanks for letting me share.

  5. Trisha says:

    hi there, i’m so glad i found your website!! i just moved from pa to north carolina to be with my 67 year old mom who was diagnosed with altzheimers about 6 months ago. i am praying for you and jim and am so happy that you have the courage to write and share about your journey with this disease. i am in the heartbroken stage right now watching my still young and beautiful mom trying to deal with this hideous diagnosis. my prayers and thoughts are with you and jim and your children. God Bless you!!!!

  6. Marsha Carpenter says:

    There are times when I tell my husband “I’m going into the bathroom now to scream, don’t worry, it’s alright” and I do. He doesn’t get upset & he has no idea that the rope that keeps me going is about to break. Only people who live this understand you go to bed “on duty” & wake up “on duty” & all day worry about how you will get through financially and emotionally – and what the day will bring. When I’m a mess from cleaning I wonder what I will do if he falls again & I have to go to ER the way I look. When my daughter was dying inch by inch from MSA we tried every “magic bullet” the herbs, the foods, the meds. We just wasted time & money. Vent your anger and frustration to the people that love you the most & that have spent lots of time with people who have this disease as they will listen & REALLY understand. I thought I was “done” when I helped my Mom care for my Dad dying of cancer for two months when she had cancer. And then I cared for her for two years as I found out my daughter had an incurable illness. You don’t know what is ahead, what the day will bring. Enjoy every good moment and in the darkest hour of night try and remember just that. Oh yes, and today is Saturday and 2013. My husband thinks it’s August & 2025 but that’s okay. Just roll with it as much as you can. Bless you! Keep this blog up, we are all in the same big boat trying to keep ourselves above water.

  7. carole hagstrom says:

    When we went thru AD with my husbands mother, our Alzheimers Association suggested that we read When Your Parent Becomes Your Child”….excellent sugges-tions given, especially what to say when the questions become repetitive…….

  8. Elizabeth Gallagher says:

    A good book that my husband read while he could read was :Alzheimers from the Inside Out” It was written by a Doctor who had AD. He thought the book was fantastic. My favorite book is Released to the Angels. It was wonderful and gave a great perspective on life with a wonderful husband who has AD.

  9. rona altschuler says:

    Karen ,
    I read your words with a hopeless feeling that I can’t help make your world better. I wondered if we can connect this week please contact me if possible. I need to talk to you 329-4440
    With Respect,
    Rona

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