Soon, we are going to fulfill part of Jim’s bucket list. We are headed to Alaska.
I should be excited. I should be looking forward to this vacation….time away from work, chores, “life” in general. But I am not.
I am completely aware that there are many others who would be joyfully elated at the idea. I would have too a few years ago. But we are headed NOW to THIS place because my husband is afflicted with a terminal disease. Although I have always wanted to visit Alaska, this trip feels bittersweet and forced. It is probably our last big family vacation. I try not to think of it that way, but the truth hurts and is hard to hide. I often feel like I have to justify our expensive trip to others with this explanation.
We were going to try to go last year. Someone promised us a place to stay and airline tickets. But, for various reasons, it didn’t happen. With Alaska, your window of opportunity to visit is small. With an Alzheimer’s patient, your windows of opportunities slowly slide by in increments of immeasurable speed. Jim has declined quite a bit since last year and it is hard to keep from being upset we didn’t go when originally planned. I have only myself to blame. I knew deep down inside we should have gone then, but it was easier to put it off and wait. He would have enjoyed the trip much more and it would have been much easier for all of us.
As it stands now, Jim gets a little confused on where we are going. When we talk about it and he is reminded we are going to go find him a moose in the wild, he is happy and excited. Otherwise, there is no mention or emotion about our upcoming adventure.
The packing, the planning, the saving, the organizing of animals and schedules and everything else is squarely upon my shoulders. Boy, don’t I sound like a whiny, ungrateful person? I am grateful, I am just also sad and a little overwhelmed.
It is hard to be excited or appreciate our upcoming adventure when there is still so much to do and details to follow up on. I am hoping once we are packed, I have everything done and we are on our way, I will be able to let a sigh go and will feel a sense exhilaration.
On top of feeling deflated and somewhat regretful, there have been a few comments made that stung.
Not long after I started this blog I received a message from a woman who had cared for her husband at home along with her children. She talked about watching all of her friends travel for years and being stuck at home. Since he passed, her and her children had started taking all the vacations they couldn’t for so long. She told me how some of her “friends” made snide comments and were so jealous they couldn’t be happy for her. It was very painful for her to realize that she had friends as long as they were able to do what they wanted but when she could do as she pleased, she was alone.
I remember thinking at the time how awful. I also felt she sounded a little bitter and I never wanted to sound like that. I never wanted to complain about others. I wanted to keep the focus of my blog on our ups and downs throughout our journey and help educate. Here I am, just over a year later completely understanding how she felt. It amazes me how people can be envious of you when you have a spouse who can’t recall if they took a shower or remember what they ate for lunch. I get it though. Aren’t we jealous of people driving fancy cars, even if they are driving them alone? Aren’t we envious of the couples in beautiful homes even though they are living in separate parts of the house from each other? Aren’t we turning green when we see someone else with the newest gadget we have been coveting even if they are over drafted in their accounts?
Just this week, I mentioned to someone at work we were going to Alaska and she started telling me about her brother and his family visiting there recently. They went on lots of excursions and saw lots of things. As she was telling me all they were doing and seeing, I kept thinking how rich they must be; how expensive all of that was. I could sense a little jealously creeping into my soul. Then she went on to tell me they had been saving for a really long time and wanted to get everything in they could because they probably will never be back again. Then, I felt like a spotlight had highlighted my own shortcomings. I fell victim to the very tendencies humans have that I loathe. 99 people can tell you how happy they are for you and be completely sincere. It is the 1 person who casts down a shadow that covers that joy and happiness and causes you to lose sight of the bright side. Why? Why can’t we ignore that naysayer and focus on the 99 smiles and cheers?
We have been saving for over three years. We have had family and friends help. We have cut corners where we can. We sold Jim’s car and used every penny for this trip.
Yet, I am judged for taking time off work. I am judged for taking a vacation and doing something wonderful with my family. I am judged for spending so much money.
It is hard to fight back without sounding petty and bitter and immature. I struggle to rise above. I struggle to stay focused on what I should be focused on; making memories with my family. Words hurt when they are said, no matter what the circumstances.
I am not looking to be a martyr. I am not looking to sacrifice so I can brag. I work hard. I like to play hard. Jim was the same way. I don’t see why we can’t do the same for as long as possible while he still can. Those days are numbered. Besides, I am constantly being told to enjoy him while we can. To take care of me and to get away whenever possible. Now that we are, I am made to feel like I am underserving.
I know it is hard sometimes to be happy for others. I know it is hard to bite your tongue. But, I think we ALL should try it a little more often. Myself included.
We may still be able to do some weekends away and hopefully our annual tradition of family camp, but this will be it for a family exploration trip. That is hard to think about. It is hard to celebrate a journey we will take for reasons I don’t want to believe. Traveling has always been a huge part of Jim’s life. He has been all over the world. We have always dreamt and discussed all the places we would visit someday. Over the past few years, I have caught myself saying “when the kids get older we can go….” Or “when we retire we can visit….” Typical conversations that we had over the course of our relationship. As soon as I would start to verbalize these thoughts, I quickly remembered they will not come to fruition and it becomes an awkward realization for us both. From the first night we met we had a common interest of wanting to tour places we had yet to visit.
This disease it robbing me of my travel partner. My dreamer. My adventurer.