I suppose this time of year is unbearably hard for those who don’t have a Valentine. I have never been a big fan of the holiday, even when I did have a Valentine. Now it seems every commercial, every restaurant, grocery store and online pop up ad flashed a “YOU DONT HAVE A VALENTINE” in my face. Yes, I do have a Valentine. A man who has loved me when I am not worthy and who has forgiven my faults and shortcomings for many years. A man I admired and respected enough to marry and have a family with. So, I know I have a Valentine, but according to the ad executives, I don’t. Because he can’t buy me jewelry or chocolates or the perfect Hallmark card. He didn’t even remember or seemed concerned once he was given his chocolates and told “Happy Valentine’s Day”. That is the part that stings now. He was at the point where he couldn’t think far enough ahead to plan for a holiday. Now, when the holiday is here, he is oblivious to what his role would have been. Each year that passes and each holiday that has expectations attached reveal the layers that have peeled away in Jim’s mindset.
I spent Valentine’s evening dropping Frances off with a friend so she could spend the night and then go skiing the next day. I am so grateful to that family because she loves skiing and I am not going to be able to take her this year. When I dropped her off, the family invited me to join them for dinner. As I sat in their beautiful kitchen, watching them work together to fix a lovely meal, listening to the girls play ukuleles and joining in as everyone sang along…..my heart hurt. This was an evening that I would want to host in our own home, with Jim helping and our family being the warm and inviting refuge others want to visit. It wasn’t that I was jealous, amazingly, I wasn’t. It was just a bittersweetness and yet I was happy and having a great time. I love sharing time with them and love the fact Frances is able to visit and to be part of a family who can sing and cook together and go skiing. I love the kids being with other families and seeing what other relationships are like when one of them isn’t sick.
The next night, Jim, Brad and I went to visit different friends and it was the same. Others working together to host us, fix a nice meal with lots of laughter and fun. Again, I was both happy and sad. I loved the fact we had friends to hang out with. I loved the fact that Brad was able to see the communication between other adult couples and play games with us and to witness a different side of marriage. Yet, I recognize that it is becoming more and more difficult to remember us as that type of couple: full of chit chat and hugs and laughter.
It must shine a magnifying glass on certain things in our home when the kids visit with their friends. I wonder if they notice the difference in marital relationships….. I am sure they do. They are observant kids. I wonder how all of this will eventually affect their own marriages and relationships…..I wonder so many things; all the time. My mind constantly seems to be going full throttle, but there are times it seems to be puttering out on me. I am forgetting words and at moments having a hard time saying exactly what I am trying to convey. It is so frustrating. I know it is the stress, but it also helps me understand how frustrating it can be for Jim to not be able to find the right words. And lately, he is having a harder and harder time.
I know I will get through this most romantic time of the year without a romantic partner. Yet, I can’t help but wonder how I will ever be happy again? I don’t mean with another man. I mean, AT ALL? By myself, with someone, with the kids….AT ALL? I know what it feels like to be loved, cared for and to have a partner; in the kitchen, on the slopes, with the kids, playing games, lying on the couch reading or watching a movie or just communicating without words…. in life….and I don’t have one anymore. I have always known I am an independent person and surely this must be coming in handy, but I don’t know that being a strong willed, independent person helps take the sting out of lonely nights and thoughts that can no longer be shared and dreams kept quiet and shows watched alone. I am acutely aware of the singleness that is overcoming my life. Jim is fighting hard to stay with us, which makes my recognition of these feelings of aloneness and solitude more inappropriate. I am not going through a divorce. I am not part of a relationship where the husband is out all night and I am sitting home alone. I am not supporting a man who won’t go find a job. I am thankfully not caring for someone violent, angry or ungrateful. I have many things for which I am appreciative, yet I am longing for a life I no longer have. I can witness it and taste a sampling, but I cannot have that happy home with an equal partner. The worst part is I had it. I had all of what I long for, and it is slipping away one plaque and tangle at a time.