Alone

Frances, me and Brad getting ready to leave family camp. Aug 2015.

Frances, me and Brad getting ready to leave family camp. Aug 2015.

In the middle of the night I reached out, my legs stretching to a cooler feel of sheets only to find an empty bed. An empty space that was once filled by a warmth, comfort and security that will not be there again. And that is a sobering thought. How can my Jim, so handsome, so healthy, so capable not be around to make me feel whole again?

There is an empty space that seems to grow larger each day. Not just because I must now navigate everything solo…I was already doing this. The yard, the bills, meals, laundry, schedules, rides, chores, discipline, everything was already on my shoulders. Yet, there was something about him being here. Something about his smile, his aura. I am broken and I honestly know without a doubt I will never be fixed or whole again. There is not a possible way to fill the hole Jim has drilled into my soul. I must learn to accept my fate, but can I accept this fate for him or our children? It is a pain that is indescribable to sit idly by as he forgets our childrens’ names or doesn’t show interest in them, their activities or anything happening in the world around us. He does show me love…he kisses me when I leave him and he lights up when I visit. Our love story is still solid in his mind and for this I am grateful.

I am living a life that is actually on hold, swirling in a tornado, yet moving forward for those that need it. I believe I am stagnant in my mind, my emotions and my ability to be. Be me. Be a friend. Be an employee. Be a neighbor. Be an advocate. Be anything. I am lost. I am in a swirl that at times seems to stop, but ultimately I am thrust into a world that I am unable to master. For someone with the personality I have, this is very difficult.

Jim is happy. He is in a much better place. No smells. Lots of activities. Clean. Close to home. Home. Our Home. What is his HOME?

Where is my rescue? I know….I don’t have one. It is me. Me. It is my responsibility. But I must admit, I have never thought of owning a house ALONE. Or being a parent ALONE. Or planning vacations ALONE. Or dinners, lunches, breakfasts ALONE. Yep, movies, concerts, everything that I always took for granted Jim would be there  in a way that was easy and assuming is gone. Recent invites to parties, dinner gatherings, are for one. For me. I am now the plus one.

When Frances, Brad and I were at family camp this summer, there was a closing ceremony and a children’s group award ceremony. Who did I sit with? Remember….family camp. Husbands and wives. That was us. Yet now I sat alone. Alone in our bed. Alone in our van. Alone at our table. Alone. Yes, we have two awesome and amazing children, but they have plans and friends and activities. I am alone. And Jim is 5 minutes away, alone with his new friends. We are alone in our respective worlds, somehow missing who we once were yet unable to recapture it. Ever. And that makes me so sad. So very sad.

posted by Karen in Early Signs of Alzheimer's,Early Stages of Alzheimer's Disease,Uncategorized and have Comments (19)

19 Responses to “Alone”

  1. Lisa Kimball says:

    I understand some of what you are sharing. My mom was here but not here. My husband is 23 years older than I, and as he declines little by little, I am doing more and more alone. So my situation is similar in a couple of ways….but I know that you feel the loss so much deeper. You are in my prayers….and the prayers of thousands of others.

  2. Kelly says:

    Hugs and Blessings to you. I can definitely imagine and my heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing with all of us.

  3. Angela says:

    My husband gone two years now. I’m still feeling the same now as you are right now. Alone is a bad place to be. This is a horrible disease. It robbed me of all the dreams my husband and I had. I am sorry you’re going through this. Prayers for you to remain strong while all you want to do is cry.

  4. Angela says:

    My husband gone two years now. I’m still feeling the same now as you are right now. Alone is a bad place to be. This is a horrible disease. It robbed me of all the dreams my husband and I had. I am sorry you’re going through this. Prayers for you to remain strong while all you want to do is cry.

  5. Jill says:

    <3 Faith, Hope and Love got you here, I'm sure that it just needs time to catch up.

  6. Gretchen Robinson says:

    I want you to know that you are not alone. God is with you. We are all praying for you, the kids and for Jim. It is and will continue to be a hard road, but you are still in there. God has brought you to this and will bring you through this. We all love you.

  7. Donna Cole says:

    Were they able to get Jim’s meds even for his outbursts? Is he in a alzhiemers unit or nursing home

    • Karen says:

      Hi Donna, Yes. Jim is on one medicine and it seems to have curtailed his agitation. It also helps for him to get re-directed. He is in a memory care unit.

  8. Jen Shern says:

    This disease makes me SAD and everything in between. May God Bless You and give you comfort and strength to fight the good fight. <3

  9. margaret idol says:

    My only hoe is in Jesus Christ – I hope you know him personally and that you have a home church that loves and supports you – Cast all your burdens upon Him because He cares for you 1 Peter 5:7- Karen you are a courageous young lady God grant you peace – Love and prayers

  10. Kareen behr says:

    My ex and I had big issues and i wound up very alone during my marriage even when he was in the bed next to me. A lot of what you are going through..I went through in a one sided marriage..it all was dumped on me..taking care of everything even raiding my kids…so when we finally separated it was not a shock since I had been alone and doing it all anyway…Raising teens was challenging but in my case would have been and was becoming more abusive with him in the household. I feel your pain in a different way….the good news is we have a loving God that hears our cries and that got me through much. There will be a time of happiness for you again so never give up…we have Him and our family so we are never really alone. Never give up..it will get better and the sun will shine on you again. XO

  11. Barbara Wood says:

    Karen, you may feel for all intents and purposes ALONE, but you are not really alone. Right at this very moment I feel alone,as my husband,partner,lover of over 50 years is wandering around our home looking for me. I sit right here on the sofa, he walks past, not seeing me for who I am. He called me on the cell phone and left a very sad lonely message,but my phone was off and I didn’t answer.today he thinks I am someone else..what can I do? How do I fix him? Why does my God allow a loving,kind,honest hard working intelligent attorney to waste away like this?? I have searched scriptures and prayed mightily but I have no answer, except I know my husband loved and trusted the Lord before this dreadful disease, and I am confident that the Lord still loves him in this vulnerable almost childlike state. He knew us and loved us before we were born and He loves us now. I am closer to the Lord today than ever before..God did not make this happen to my husband just to draw me closer, but He always comes along side to help us through these trials and forgives me when I want to scream at my husband ! I am me..look at me. I am me !

  12. Karen you are alone living without Jim next to you in bed at night and in the morning. But, I hear you as do millions of wives who are on the same journey or like me, Joe departed and now I am literally alone. We shared the same soul and love my comfort is remembering all our intimate loving days. Blessings

  13. Kathy Taylor says:

    No one knows exactly what your words mean until they have been through it. My precious husband has only been gone a very short time and although I know he is well and whole again and waiting in heaven until I get there, I am still angry that he was chosen to have this disease ans leave me so alone. Our kids are grown and have their own lives. My life was him!!
    So many dashed plans I know what it is like being the third wheel even with best friends that we have had forever! God Bless you Karen, and your whole family!

  14. Loretta Reid says:

    Karen, my heart breaks for you & all the other families who have been affected by Alzheimer’s. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us, it is a great service to make people aware of what a horrible disease this is. My mother-in-law has been in a memory care facility for 3 yrs. so I understand it. God will see you through this and someday put joy in your heart again!

  15. Jeri says:

    Karen, I definitely get where you’re coming from. After 37 years of marriage it’s about impossible to think I’ll ever get used to being just “me” without Dwight. We did EVERYTHING together. Now I’m not sure who I am without him. It’s hard. It’s really hard. When you’re lucky enough to have a husband who is your friend and you know you can count on him to always be there for you….then he can’t, through no fault of his own….what then? We just do the best we can .We take it one day at a time because to think too far ahead is more than we can handle. It’s been 3 months since I became “just me” in this house….(though Dwight was in assisted living for 3 months, then a skilled nursing home (I’m using that term loosely) for another 3 months before he lost his fight with Eod….I didn’t feel so alone till he wasn’t there to go visit everyday.) It took that long to be able to sit at the dining table and eat rather than carry my plate to the couch in the other room…because I couldn’t bear the empty seat that was his. We loved going to the movies. It was “our thing”. He liked to sit on the aisle seat so he could stretch his long legs out. Now I still sit in the second seat from the aisle cause the aisle seat is his. Yeah, this is hard. You and Brad and Frances are in my thoughts (often) and prayers (always).

  16. Lee Ann says:

    Its part of grieving. It will get better, get worse. But you will be fine. It just takes some time and acceptance. You can grow and learn and move forward. You will be stronger because of this. But it sure is horrible when you are going through it.

  17. Sandy says:

    Hugs. I hear you and feel it all.

  18. Sandy says:

    Lee Ann is right in that it will get better. Not yet. Jim is still a vital part of our lives with love to give. When that changes you’ll get the chance to move on. Hard to imagine. You’re a beautiful healthy intelligent women who will end up on your feet. Hang in there.

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