In the middle of the night I reached out, my legs stretching to a cooler feel of sheets only to find an empty bed. An empty space that was once filled by a warmth, comfort and security that will not be there again. And that is a sobering thought. How can my Jim, so handsome, so healthy, so capable not be around to make me feel whole again?
There is an empty space that seems to grow larger each day. Not just because I must now navigate everything solo…I was already doing this. The yard, the bills, meals, laundry, schedules, rides, chores, discipline, everything was already on my shoulders. Yet, there was something about him being here. Something about his smile, his aura. I am broken and I honestly know without a doubt I will never be fixed or whole again. There is not a possible way to fill the hole Jim has drilled into my soul. I must learn to accept my fate, but can I accept this fate for him or our children? It is a pain that is indescribable to sit idly by as he forgets our childrens’ names or doesn’t show interest in them, their activities or anything happening in the world around us. He does show me love…he kisses me when I leave him and he lights up when I visit. Our love story is still solid in his mind and for this I am grateful.
I am living a life that is actually on hold, swirling in a tornado, yet moving forward for those that need it. I believe I am stagnant in my mind, my emotions and my ability to be. Be me. Be a friend. Be an employee. Be a neighbor. Be an advocate. Be anything. I am lost. I am in a swirl that at times seems to stop, but ultimately I am thrust into a world that I am unable to master. For someone with the personality I have, this is very difficult.
Jim is happy. He is in a much better place. No smells. Lots of activities. Clean. Close to home. Home. Our Home. What is his HOME?
Where is my rescue? I know….I don’t have one. It is me. Me. It is my responsibility. But I must admit, I have never thought of owning a house ALONE. Or being a parent ALONE. Or planning vacations ALONE. Or dinners, lunches, breakfasts ALONE. Yep, movies, concerts, everything that I always took for granted Jim would be there in a way that was easy and assuming is gone. Recent invites to parties, dinner gatherings, are for one. For me. I am now the plus one.
When Frances, Brad and I were at family camp this summer, there was a closing ceremony and a children’s group award ceremony. Who did I sit with? Remember….family camp. Husbands and wives. That was us. Yet now I sat alone. Alone in our bed. Alone in our van. Alone at our table. Alone. Yes, we have two awesome and amazing children, but they have plans and friends and activities. I am alone. And Jim is 5 minutes away, alone with his new friends. We are alone in our respective worlds, somehow missing who we once were yet unable to recapture it. Ever. And that makes me so sad. So very sad.