Denied Again

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I have taken the drastic measure of scanning and sharing this most recent Aid and Attendance denial from the Department of Veterans Affairs because many don’t believe the VA would not help us. Here it is my friends, in black and white. Please note the list of forms I submitted under the evidence considered on the second page.

Yes, I can file an appeal. But I am not sure the time, energy and effort will be worth it to just be denied again. I have so little energy and time at this point in my life, I am not sure I can. I am sure I will look back and scorn myself for not doing so. Maybe after the holidays….

I know many who have written to tell me their grandfather, father, brother, neighbor, friends uncle and so forth are receiving Aid and Attendance and therefore we should too. I agree. But we are not. I have filled out paperwork, re-submitted paperwork, spent hours on research and information needed, spent hours on the phone and meeting with various experts and I am tired. I already regret the amount of time I spent this summer trying to get help. Instead of enjoying and cherishing Jim’s last months and days in our family home, I worked until exhaustion and emotional craziness,  day after day, making calls, sending emails, doing research and repeating our story, over and over again in front of Jim. He just sat and listened to me beg for help repeatedly. I wish I could go back just those few months and instead sit with him, walk with him, hold his hand and know that we will be ok. Not because the government will help us, but because our friends, our neighbors and even strangers would eventually save us. I am not mad or bitter, ok, maybe just a little, but only because I can look back and realize the precious time I lost with him that should have been our family time to have together. We couldn’t have known the short timeframe for his decline. And I will never know how he was impacted listening to my pleas and knowing he was the cause of so much stress in my life. Jim has the kindest soul and he would never want to be the person causing hardship. He always is the first to offer help.

At the home he is living in, they have an angel tree for all of the residents. When Jim was asked what he wanted for Christmas his reply was a true epitome of his selfless nature. He wanted a watch for his wife.   That was it. Nothing for him. Just me. Even now, he is still wanting to take care of me and the children. Which, in many ways just makes me sadder. I am warmed by his generosity and love but there is a personal loss felt in each and every moment of my day. Even when I am at my happiest time now, it is shared with a subconscious nudging that I am no longer capable of complete and utter happiness. There is something missing.  In the past several years, there has only been one moment I have felt all my cares leave and I could laugh and feel stress free….walking on the beach recently with a friend. We were able to be free of our worries, our guilt, our minds were open to laughing and sharing stories and it was a needed break.

I have been and still am loved by a wonderful man and a kind and giving husband. How lucky am I to have felt such reverence from my partner? Which is why I find it so hard to be completely happy. I know what I am missing.

posted by Karen in Early Signs of Alzheimer's,Early Stages of Alzheimer's Disease,Uncategorized,Younger Onset Alzheimer's Disease and have Comments (7)

7 Responses to “Denied Again”

  1. Kimberly Smith says:

    Karen, I am so sorry. People are so quick to point out what you should or need to do. We are in the same situation, denied by the VA, also too much money but not enough for private care or Medicaid. I will be able to get care for my Mom, whom I still take care of in our home for now. My husband is still home as well, but I am so close to the edge of not being able to care for him much longer by myself. I’m so exhausted over it all as you know it is constantly on your mind. Praying for you and so many others in this nightmare. Hugs, k

  2. Darcie Brenner says:

    I have been following your blog for the last few years and you are one of the only people that I have been able to relate to. My husband passed away in July of this heart-wrenching disease at the age of 39 after being honorably discharged from the Marine Corps to be a caregiver for his mother who passed away of the same disease at the age of 41 approximately 16 years ago. One thing I cannot relate to you on as having children involved in this journey. Danny and I were unable to have children which was definitely someone else’s plan and probably for the better. I feel like when I am reading your blogs it is actually me who is writing. Danny was a very selfless man and would do anything to help anybody else that was in need. Loved his country and fighting for it. For approximately three to four years I was fighting for some kind of financial assistance. I worked with three different social workers who were unable to get anywhere either saying that I had exhausted all of our options already. I would hear the same things from other veterans families so and so has aid and attendance you should be able to get it. While we were denied again and again. Until I got to the point where I felt the same way as you is it worth the energy is it worth the frustration is it worth the anger all the while wasting the precious time that the two of you have left. I was in the process of writing the congressman to somehow right this wrong in the system so that families who need help can actually get it. We were denied three times because we made too much money. I did everything I could to keep Danny in our home which is where he spent his final days. Somehow someway we made it through with the help of our family and friends and God especially. Looking back on it now I still get infuriated that we were unable to receive help and how I wasted so much precious time being angry and frustrated instead of cherishing the little time we had left. Trust that the Lord will carry you through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Sylvia silver says:

    Hey Honey just went through what you going through with the VA take a deep breath.. Call your congressman after 3 years of dealing with them I had my results one week after I went and seen him.. It’s one phone call one office visit. I hope it helps you.. But for my dad unfortunately 10 mins after I received the envelope with full Benefits my father passed.. But knowing he got them made my time well spent.. Jim deserves this!! Call the congressman today!

  4. The truth. Complete happiness as you’ve known it will forever be in your past. I try to live in the now but find myself living in our memories more and more. Life is filled with pot holes . Love and parses to you.

  5. Erica Woods says:

    My mother and I just went through this. Do you. That’s it.
    Forget what everyone else says. Do you. Do whatever fits for your children, you and Jim. That’s it. And it will be the hard ass decision, but that all you can do. And you’re tired. And you’ve done a great job with your husband. You’re doing everything you can. But, do what feels right for you and that’s it. I wish I could tell you that it would all work out perfectly. Or tell you that it wouldn’t so you could have an answer and prepare. All I can tell you is to take it minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by Day like you’ve been doing. When people offer help, take it without hesitation. Sleep when you can. And remember that you deserve rewards. And that you have to Do you. And whatever that means, that is the right answer.

  6. Marye DD says:

    Jim wanted to give you a watch which is symbolically… “more time”.

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