Jim is still with us. I say that statement with a very loose context.
Jim is resting. Jim is sleeping. Jim is….Jim is….technically alive.
Waiting to die. The waiting for him to die takes a toll both mentally and physically. And it totally SUCKS!!
Sitting, watching, holding his hand, rubbing his hair. Watching for the slightest change in breathing. Seeing a slight movement of his lips or a flutter of his eyes and wondering what it means? Is he trying to tell us something? Is he in pain? Does he want something? I’m sure he wants a huge glass of water and a very large meal.
His hands and feet were cold. Yesterday they were warm. His coloring goes pale, goes yellow, then he is pink with warmth. Then he is cold and a grayish/bluish tint.
A friend came and played guitar and sang for him. We could tell he heard her. He moved his mouth. His eyebrows raised. His demeanor changed. As it does each time his children enter his room. He knows they are there. He seems to long to reach out and hug them again. His mouth hints at a smile. His beautiful blue eyes struggling to see each of their heartbroken faces.
His legs jerk. He grimaces in pain if his left arm is moved or we try to sit him up. He is getting stiff.
This is torture. For us all. Our friends. Us. And for Jim. He may be out of it, he may be on drugs, but I know. I know. The man I married and have loved and known for many years, did not want to linger. He did not want us sitting around watching his demise. He lived a life full of life and it doesn’t seem fair this cruel disease is robbing him of the death he wanted.
You hear the statement “We don’t treat our animals this way, we shouldn’t treat our loved ones this way.” I never really had much of a thought one way or the other. It was always someone else’s fight. I can tell you, watching him struggle to open his eyes half way, keeping them there, trying to will them to let him see his children one last time….struggling to breath, dying of thirst (literally), starving to death (literally), coughing up the slightest liquid we try to give him……….this is inhumane. Maybe God doesn’t want us to kill, but he allowed us the knowledge of how to take a life with out pain or malice for a reason. Sometimes, we should be smart enough to use it.